Laws For Love Part 2
Written by Marsha Mellow 

“If I had observed all the rules I never would have gotten anywhere.” I discovered this Marilyn Monroe philosophy while shopping at my favorite accessory shop, La Dolce Vita by Lauren. There it was the cutest charm framing a picture of the Goddess and that quote. For the entire day I could not get it out of my head. Then a fire in me began to burn, I was going to live like MM. Of course I am not going down the road of the not so happy ending where my death is made to look like a suicide, by a government official that could not stay loyal to Ms. Jackie O. I am far too smart to fall for that plus I am in no way attracted to our current President. Sexy voice but those ears would make Dumbo feel superior; I just hope he grows into them before his term is up.

I quickly put my new motto around my neck and set out to break some rules. Oddly I could not think of any rules to break and I refuse to break laws however stupid they might be. Then it hit me like a club hitting a baby seal. I swished my way over to visit my parents. I should have had this badge of courage when I was in high school. Imagine my shock when I got to my childhood home and there was a family of well to do Asians having dinner on the floor. They were as startled as I was, as I quickly sprung into my crane technique pose (thank you Mr. Myagi, from one of my favorite 80’s films The Karate Kid). For all I knew they were a band of Ninja that had dismembered my parents and were now dining on their remains, at least that is what the cuisine looked like to me. After we got to the bottom of the fifth bottle of Saki, I learned that my parents had sold out much like the rest of America and moved. However they did leave a letter with the new tenants who they had warned that I might show up. The letter basically stated that they had moved for fear that I would return home for the twenty-something time in my adult life. After that much Saki and the kick to the balls my parents had given me it took several of the little Asian children to help me up and send me on my way. It might have only been three children but I was seeing double.

I cat walked home with one thought, I am going to find those old people that sent me to fat camp, shimmy back into their lives and throw glitter right into their Botoxed faces.

How do you find elderly that don’t want to be found? The first thing I had to do was learn to think like an old person, so I watched all seven seasons of the Golden Girls. What I learned from this over many hours was that the jokes were much funnier now that I am an adult and able to drink dirty whore martinis, and that Bea Aurther might be the first drag queen of American television. Next I watched a few episodes of CSI Miami, which proved pointless - no one that acts as bad as David Caruso would be able to catch a killer much less two crafty elderly people that ran out on their parenting responsibilities. The most helpful show was actually The Price Is Right. Its shocking to me that National Geographic has not tapped into this market much like they have with the American prisons.

I needed a person that has no fear and does not take no for an answer, and since I don’t know Kobe Bryant; I called my friend Megan Burk. Megan is a Louisiana socialite that has made it her life mission to seek out nerdy, not very attractive millionaires that no self respecting person would date for all of the money in the world. She was crushed when she learned that Bill Gates was already married as she had planned on making him her crown jewel. Since she was between millionaires and her favorite show, Dancing with the Stars, is not on until the fall she agreed to go.

We met up and put our heads together. We didn’t literally put our heads together because I have a fear of catching Ginger. I warned that it might get ugly hunting down elderly prey. They are cunning and unpredictable and knowing my parents like I do they’re more than likely packing heat. All elderly should be considered armed and dangerous especially behind the wheel of any moving vehicle that is large enough to be used in human trafficking.

First we mapped out and made a list of where the elderly like to gather. This led us to our local Wal-mart. I almost threw in the towel on this one because I hate this retailer more then I hate vodka that comes in a plastic bottle. Our flaw might have been that we arrived too late. Apparently the elderly are not there at eleven o’clock at night. They are there during the early hours between five and seven AM. Not only was it raining on this night and cold I subjected myself to Sars, SIDS, and swine flu from the unruly third world children that were running amuck in the store. Oh my DNA donors are going to pay and pay big.

On our way out of the store we were stopped by a young boy who was pushing something for his youth group. He tried selling us that his group was trying to raise money to get to South America. How cute! They wanted to see the rain forest before it’s all gone. I asked him what he was selling and he popped open his case that was full of Sun Catchers. Megan and I both backed up much like a vampire would from a crucifix or sunlight beaming through a stained glass church window. Seriously I explained to him that it is ridiculous to try and sell us on this crap. They will never get there selling that, they will be lucky to get a bus ticket across town. For crying out loud Megan is a Ginger, she will sizzle like bacon if she walks out into the sun.

I got a tip that sometimes you can catch senior citizens at Luby’s between the hours of three and four. What a crock of crap. Must remind myself to go back and punch that guy in the trachea. Luby’s is not even open then, not to mention my Mom would never go there because from peering in the window I could see there was no bar in that joint.

This might be bigger than Megan and me, and I might never see my parents again…

TO BE CONTINUED.

August 2010
Summer Is Cooling Down

July 2010
Taking Care of Dad

June 2010
When Life Throws You Potatoes

May 2010
Food Is The Enemy Part2

April 2010
Food Is The Enemy

March 2010
Laws For Love Part2

February 2010
Laws For Love

January 2010
The Ghost of Resolutions Past