The
Ghost of Resolutions Past
Written by Marsha Mellow
New
Years Eve – Much like the way Rome and perhaps even
Hell were paved with good intentions I also had good intentions
of staying in on the biggest party night of the year.
I was all set to party with those unearthly kids, the
2”B’s”, Brandy and Blake, who have been
left in my care while their grandmother is off on a cruise
to Europe. Contrary to popular belief Judge Blackwell’s
advice on staying in had nothing to do with my decision.
With Randall back in Arkansas helping the FBI track down
his uncle, cousin, brother, whatever after he pulled a
Houdini out of the great Arkansas penal system, I was
not in a party mood.
For
a Marsha Mellow New Year’s Eve festivity we were
going to need the proper party paraphernalia, which meant
making a trip to the liquor store and to the grocery store
for some delectable extravagance.
At
the grocery store somewhere between the candy aisle and
the frozen food section, evil B 1, Brandy, decided to
ask me what my New Year’s resolution was going to
be. I said that New Year’s resolutions are for the
disadvantaged, and Britney Spears’ of the world.
Resolutions are not for people who are as near to perfection
as I am. She disagreed in her ten-year-old condescending
voice, telling me her resolution would be to stop giving
out my personal information such as home address, social
security and telephone number on the Internet. Also, she
would stop sending out unflattering pictures of me to
people she chats with online without my permission. Blake
informed me that he would be washing his hands after going
to the bathroom and before mixing up my cocktails. Before
I could finish imagining the two of them being mangled
in some sort of grocery cart mishap my cell phone rang.
It
was my daily phone call from my dad, who recently retired.
A phone call from him can really liven up my normal routine
of putting items in my cart and then taking them out and
placing them in locations nowhere near where I originally
got them. I do this in part due to my fear of committing
and I just think it keeps the stock boys in work. My dad
was on a rampage.
First because Drew Carey is not the host Bob Barker was.
Second there should be some sort of dress code in place
for the contestants. He does not feel that he or the rest
of the nation should be forced to watch overweight people
in sweat pants and home made t-shirts adorned with puffy
paint ‘come on down’ and bid on crappy commodities.
At
the check out all kinds of drama hell broke out. “Do
you remember me?” the young male checker asked me
as he abused my groceries as they went across the UPC
scanner and violently threw them into bags.
I
was afraid to say no that I didn’t remember him
and half thought about picking up Blake to use as a human
shield if it came to that. “No, I am afraid I don’t
remember you.”
“I
am Andy Davis!” he snarled. “Last year you
substituted at my school and I told you my New Years resolution.
Do you remember what it was?” His voice was getting
louder and people were starting to look in our direction.
“Do you?” he yelled again.
“I
am sorry but I have slept and thrown down a lot, and I
do mean a lot, of Absolute, Grey Goose, and Skyy vodka
since that time.” Then it hit me – he was
the skinny zit faced ROTC kid, or at least he used to
be. This kid was bulked up and clear faced.
“Let
me refresh your memory Ms. Mellow! My resolution last
year was to continue studying hard make good grades so
that I could get into an Ivy League school. Because my
mom said I would be President of the United States one
day. I’d have a hot wife, and get to bang an even
hotter actress on the side!” He had begun frothing
at the mouth like a rabid Chihuahua. “You said my
mom was a lying whore, and I should go get a cape and
a white mask and haunt an opera house!”
“I
am really sorry that I made you feel bad about yourself
and told you that you couldn’t be President, since
that time I have changed my opinion about what it takes
to be President, and now believe that an out of work circus
monkey could run the show. Let me just say though your
skin looks great, Pro-Active? And someone has hit the
gym.”
Andy
blushed and began to gush which scared me even more. “No
worries, Ms Mellow I took your advice and quit school,
got kicked out of my house, began working out and this
is actually my last day at this job. In 2008 I am headed
to NY to become the next Calvin Klein underwear model”
I
was about to explain to him what it takes to be a CK underwear
model, and he was way out of his league on that dream
but decided just to pay and get out of the store so we
could get back to my house and start our mellow New Years
Eve.
When
you spend New Years Eve at your casa, time moves even
slower then waiting for Ed McMahon to come through with
that winning check. The 2”B’s” were
all enthralled with watching Dirty Dancing, which is somehow
better now knowing Baby has a new face and Patrick Swayze
has no career. Although watching Swayze dance made me
think of how entertaining it would to see him end up on
next seasons Dancing with the Stars, going up against
the likes of Roger Clemens who after this whole baseball
steroid thing will need some major career damage control.
Of course Clemens would win. By the time it got to the
part in the film where Swayze says “nobody puts
Baby in the Corner”, and I was finishing up my email
to my new infatuation for 2010 – Discovery Channels
Dirty Jobs host, Mike Rowe, my phone sang out. I looked
at the caller ID and read Lana Blake.
11:23
PM – I convinced my assistant, Suzee, to come over
and watch the 2”B’s” and went out to
meet my friend, Lana Blake. Lana convinced me that I had
to join her at the club she was at because if I did not
kiss a hot guy at midnight that, just like in chain emails,
I would not find my true love and kiss only jackass’
for the next ten years. No one can argue with logic like
that. Of course by the time I got to the club I could
hear the count down being shouted from inside as the valet
was taking my keys. Five, four, three… by the time
I heard one I grabbed the valet and kissed him. Thank
goodness he was hot - that makes up for the blue-collar
job. I create enough bad luck I don’t need to add
to it.
When
I looked up from my awkward embrace I see Lana running
out of the club and grabbing me by the hand, we ran to
her Barbie pink Toyota Tracker. On the way to our next
destination she was telling me about this hottie that
was with a nottie, who looked like GI Jane - bad hair,
bad clothes… on and on she went. I told her to just
leave Britney alone.
We
arrived at this house, which was nice, and once we got
upstairs we walked right into a Lifetime original movie,
starring Lana Blake and Marsha Mellow. The guy was there
and he was hot, very caliente to say the least and there
was GI Jane balled up in the corner in the fetal position
crying, about what I don’t recall. We were offered
some sort of smelly cigarette that we both passed on,
which was odd because there was only one and everyone
was sharing it. Ewe! All the while, the host or owner
of the house kept asking people if they would like to
check out his putter. That was enough for us.
As
the night wound down we ended up at Denny’s. And
let me just say it is never a good sign when you are shuffled
off into a private dining area at Denny’s. There
we all sat, Sofonda and Shelby St John, Peter, Pickles,
CJ, some angry guy that wanted to fight everyone, the
2”B’s” showed up with Suzee, some kid
who had been on American Idol, but I don’t recall
them, Laura and Angela who wanted to fight the guy who
wanted to fight everyone. All that we needed was for Jesus
to walk in and we could pose for a new last supper painting.
I just wanted to go home, much like Dorothy Gail. Even
went as far as to offer the waitress twenty bucks to take
me home. At least there were cheese sticks, which Suzee
made sure I got before I lost my mind.
|
March 2011
Because I Care
February 2011
Full of Hate
January 2011
The Christmas Show That Never Should Be Part2
December 2010
The Christmas Show That Never Should Be
November 2010
Time Travel
September 2010
The Past Is A Prison
August 2010
Summer Is Cooling Down
July 2010
Taking Care of Dad
June
2010
When Life Throws
You Potatoes
May
2010
Food
Is The Enemy Part2
April
2010
Food
Is The Enemy
March
2010
Laws
For Love Part2
February
2010
Laws For Love
January
2010
The Ghost of Resolutions
Past
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