The Christmas Show That Never Should Be
Written by Marsha Mellow 

“Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house not a creature was stirring not even a mouse. The stockings were hung…” This is not that story and at this point I would hang Mickey Mouse with one of those stockings. Obviously I took a wrong turn down Santa’s lane when I agreed to write, direct and produce my niece’s pre-K’s Christmas show. Her teacher said that it would be the perfect way to sell tickets and raise money for new library books if a celebrity such as I were to take the artistic direction of the show. I fell for it, hook, line and sinker. Perhaps I should have been more inquisitive as to why the last director left in a rage screaming obscenities one day after rehearsals. I just thought perhaps they were weak minded, I mean seriously, it is a bunch of four and five year olds.

Last month my niece, Natalee, had taken me for show and tell. Most of the kids just believed that I was some kind of glammed out clown that had not quite mastered balancing because I was swaying like a clock pendulum. In my defense it was 8:30am on a Monday morning and I had been up since my show the previous Friday.

Does mistletoe cause a rash? Does mistletoe have thorns? Yes, the answer is YES! My crafty assistant made me a Lady GaGa inspired dress out of the poisonous plant for the premier of my Phantasmagorical Christmas Explosion show. My body is now a plague of crimson colored splotches. So not sexy! Inside the janitor closet of the school sitting in an empty mop bucket, my assistant Jimmy and I were trying to figure out where things got so messed up. Jimmy was having a very hard time trying to shake the perfect dirty elf Martini since one of his arms was inoperable due to the camel attack. Camels can be very temperamental; Jimmy learned that the hard way.

Of course they had lagging ticket sales, this story has been told for like 2000 years without any new or inventive creativity. The first order of business was to rewrite the script. New development of characters, finding their motivation, what makes some of them tick. Spent many hours developing the Inn Keeper, what kind of douche-tard would allow the future savior to be born in a barn shacked up with livestock? I am thinking that Hitler might have been a descendant from the evil Inn Keeper.

Next I felt that the gifts that the three wise men showed up with were just not the deal, frankincense, myrrh (WTH is that anyways?) The gold is not that bad but I still took liberties in changing the gifts. In my production the wise men would bring forth useable flair such as an Apple IPhone with decorative glitzy blinged out protective case fit for a king, a pair of D&G Elite sunglasses, BOLS diamond martini shaker, and the gold I replaced with platinum, it just seemed more appropriate for God’s bundle of joy.

I went as far as to add a few new characters that were not mentioned in the original story. New characters such as Buck Rockneck, the doorman of the manger working the velvet ropes. Seriously the shepherds showed up with no gifts what so ever, not a nice shrimp and crab dip, a heavenly Merlot or even a bottle of Grey Goose. Hell, they could have showed up with a six pack of Evian H2O and got the holy baby to turn it into the first wine coolers. I have had sponges like this show up at my parties so I was not having it at the first Christmas party in history. The shepherds were denied entrance in my version and then forced to watch the merriment from outside. Joseph was no longer a carpenter. He was now a high paid sales director for a furniture company and Mary an up and coming interior designer who moonlights as a jazz singer with a sultry voice trying to break into Hollywood. Once my rewrites were done and I had my buddy P!nk write six original songs and Hans Zimmer wrote the score I was ready to meet the kids.

There must have been several reasons of why I should have also ran out of the building as fast as I could maneuver in a pair of Jimmy Choo Uggs. Over the years I have worked with all types of people in the industry, angry trannies, handsy directors, temperamental show directors, jealous 6 foot cross dressers, angry clown little people but nothing prepared me for a room full of pre K’ers with demands, runny noses, bladder problems and other issues.

The first problem I had to deal with was there were too many kids. The original director had the kids with the least talent playing the parts of random bushes and livestock; one was even forced to be a log (obviously a stoner). I was one of those kids once and I still to this day harbor some of the scars. When my sister, Misty, and I were doing this same play some twenty years earlier at the same school I was forced to play the part of a freaking sheep. That was total BS! I was far more talented than Misty, who was playing the part of some singing angel, a role tailor made for me. I was also told that if I did not lip sync I would be cut from the show. Oh how I played nice through all of those rehearsals. On opening night every time Misty would sing out or speak a line I would bah bah bah like a sheep with mad cow disease. And that night I sang Silent Night that brought a tear to old Ms. Crabsucker the old deaf lady that lived on Avenue Q with fourteen or so cats. No one can imagine how hard it is to win over an entire auditorium with cotton balls glued to your face and wearing one of your grandmother’s old heavy wool mothball smelly sweater. No child would be put through this on my watch. Since these kids were obviously just not talented they were let go. There was this one little girl who could actually dance but had flaming red hair - a total ginger to the core. I Goggled gingers and she had to go, I would not be having anyone soulless in my production.

Soon I learned that kids have a mind of their own like the sweetest little girl, Kailey, who had won the coveted role of Mary. This little Prima Donna did not want to work with Jacob who was playing Joseph; she went as far as to spit in his face. When I asked her why she did it she looked up at me and as matter of fact as anyone could have said it, she told me she was team Edward and could not work with him. I bribed her with a spa retreat and a case of banana Now & Later’s.

The next problem I encountered were those of epic restroom proportions. The part of the Angel was played by Rylee whom carried a plunger around and would randomly run into the bathroom and flush the toilets. The Hodges should prepare themselves because I think they have a future plumber on their hands. During nap time I swiped the plunger and had Jimmy bedazzle it. Then don’t get me started on little Landon Gray the kid who was playing the part of the doorman, Brock Rockman who would go do #1 in the restroom but continuously ran behind the manger and do #2. His dad, Nick Gray, explained to me that he did #1 because he could see him do that but he had not braced the #2 just yet, but all should be fine by opening night.

By day three I discovered that having my friend Jennifer’s cupcake company cater was not the best idea - the kids were going crazy. Even found one little girl, Phoebe, with my cell phone having an in-depth conversation with first year American Idol winner Kelly Clarkson on my phone. This was also the day that the Ginger’s dad showed up yelling at me telling me that I should be ashamed of myself and he was a prominent lawyer. I just dismissed him and told him if he was so prominent his suit would not be straight off the rack from Sears.

Day five is when the principal of the school came screaming like some rabid reindeer waving bills in his hands talking to me like a complete psycho spit flying from his mouth like a disengaged water sprinkler. Apparently the total of the show was racking up like crazy. Cirque du Soleil peeps did not come cheap, they had worked little Rylee into the act so it would be more dramatic and artistic when she announced the birth of the baby Jesus. Maybe having Donatella Versace do the costumes might have been a little pricy. Also the renovations to the auditorium, the livestock and the baby elephant. I really just wanted my own baby elephant for my very own. I told him that he could not talk to me that way, I am a celebrity damn it, and the face of La Dolce Vita by Lauren. And had a contract that he signed in the bar at the Holiday Inn. It took two hours and all kinds of promises. I had no intentions on keeping and allowing him to share credit with me to allow the show to go on…. TO BE CONTINUED

March 2011
Because I Care

February 2011
Full of Hate

January 2011
The Christmas Show That Never Should Be Part2

December 2010
The Christmas Show That Never Should Be

November 2010
Time Travel

September 2010
The Past Is A Prison

August 2010
Summer Is Cooling Down

July 2010
Taking Care of Dad

June 2010
When Life Throws You Potatoes

May 2010
Food Is The Enemy Part2

April 2010
Food Is The Enemy

March 2010
Laws For Love Part2

February 2010
Laws For Love

January 2010
The Ghost of Resolutions Past