It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like Christmas
Written by Lyssa Graham
Oh let the merriment begin. I realize that it’s only November but please understand that the retail holiday season began sometime in early October and I can’t take it anymore. I’m ready for Ho-Ho’ing. The holidays are upon us and it is time for all good Americans to pull together and tackle the truly important debate in our culture. We must put aside our differences and seek the true meaning of the holidays. We should stand proudly together, shoulder to shoulder, secure in the knowledge that, at last, we are willing to seek consensus on what is truly important this time of year.
Do we go with all white lights or do we go with multi-colored?
Don’t mock, there are very definite opinions on both sides of the issues. Friendships, marriages and sneaky adulterous affairs have failed over this very question. No part of the holiday season is more fraught with peril than the traditional lighting of the house.
Those who believe that the holidays are best celebrated with tasteful rows of pure white lights accompanied by elegant red bows are, of course, insane, uptight weirdos who wouldn’t know holiday spirit if it bit them on the ass.
The multi-colored folks are more inclusive, kind and open-hearted. They support the little blue lights as much as they cherish the tiny winking green ones. For some reason, they don’t get all mushy about the red lights but they’ll still allow them to attend the party.
I think you know where I stand on this issue. As far as I’m concerned any excuse to festoon my house with lights, decorations and things that make noise and/or sing carols is good enough for me. My holiday decorations began to appear inside the house in mid-November this year. I skipped Halloween so I felt justified in starting Christmas before Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving is an oddly decorationally challenged holiday. What are you supposed to do? Stuff a turkey, impale it on a post, string it with lights and stick it in your living room window?
Come to think of it . . . nah, that’ll just drive the dynamic dog duo, Death Breath 3 and 4, crazy. Anyway, the outside decorations this year started early in my neighborhood. I justified the fact that my house was covered with blinking multi-colored lights by Veteran’s Day by telling people that it was just a fancy new set of burglar deterring security lights.
I don’t think anyone bought that but I don’t care.
My neighbor and I are on the edge of open warfare, however. She is of the all white light brigade – strange because she seemed like such a nice girl when I met her. I am the proud grand marshal of the all-color brigade. You can see how the holidays might be difficult for us.
Part of the problem, I’m sure, is that she wasn’t expecting the spinning color wheel on the floodlight-lit snowmen in my front yard. Seems that the multiple colors spin right into her bedroom every night and cause weird dreams. Who knew that would happen?
Me. It took two days to figure out the right angle to get that light into her eyes. That’ll teach her to make fun of my snowmen. Only I can make fun of my snowmen. I have so many of the jolly guys that people are beginning to talk. After all, I live on an island where snow is not a common sight.
Sure there was that one white Christmas a couple of years ago but it was fluke and it only lasted long enough for the neighbor on the other side to build a giant snow sex toy in his front yard. Talk about your ho ho ho’s!
I didn’t set out to be the island’s largest snowman holder. This title, glowingly accepted, was handed to me by my mother-in-law, who several years ago cheerfully announced that it was high time I began a Christmas collection and would I rather it be Santa Clauses or snowmen. It was an easy choice, not that I have anything against Santa Claus. It’s just that my mother-in-law collects Santa Clauses and I didn’t want to make life any harder for my husband.
You see, my mother-in-law also collects clothing which she then passes down to me. She has excellent taste and I am ridiculously grateful for the wardrobe. Partly because I don’t have that kind of cash and partly because I’m too lazy to shop.
Unfortunately, seeing me in his mother’s clothing causes my husband to twitch a little bit. Apparently his brain is not geared toward simultaneously thinking that I look hot and that I resemble his mom. Don’t know why that would upset a guy but there you have it.
You can understand why I would opt for snowmen over Santa if it meant that my husband would be less worried that he might have inadvertently married his mom. I don’t know why this worries him, she’s much shorter than I am. It’s hard to mistake the two of us.
At any rate, thanks to the mom-in-law, there are enough snowmen in my life to create a winter wonderland covered with blinding, blinking, multi-colored lights. There are snowmen dangling from my upstairs porch, snowmen creeping about the front lawn, snowmen peering from my windows. I even had to go to two Christmas trees this year – just to have one for the snowmen. And this is only the beginning.
As soon as I figure out how to hotwire my neighbors sedate and traditional white lights, I’m turning her house into a blaze of color as well. Just trying to share a little holiday spirit.
Lyssa Graham is based on Galveston island – just outside of Texas but north enough of Mexico to limit your chances of being shot while jet-skiing. E-mail her at Lyssa@LyssaGraham.com . |
