Asking
The Expert
Written by Lyssa Graham
So
many promises, so many yard signs, so many debates and
forums and questionnaires - it’s a veritable wonderland
of political hopes and dreams writ large upon our community.
But will it mean anything in the long run?
We
don’t have a great track record when it comes to
voting here on the island. Only a mere handful of registered
voters bothered to show up the last time around. This
time, we’ve lost a big chunk of voters to Hurricane
Ike, we have the largest slate of candidates on record
and we’re very likely to thoroughly screw ourselves
over. Again. If you don’t think your vote matters,
remember that on this island of misfit toys you can run
away with an election with less than a dozen votes. So
yeah, your vote matters.
Maybe
this voting thing deserves some serious thought. Or maybe
not. Maybe what we need are some answers from a trusted
source.
Lucky
for all of us, I have the oracle of oracles in my possession
– a dusty, faded Magic 8 Ball. Consulting the M8B
isn’t for the fainthearted. I once wound up with
bright pink hair after the M8B reported unequivocally
that signs pointed to yes in response to my question of
whether or not it was time for a new hair color. Should
have asked if it was time to find a professional to give
me the new hair color.
But
those were simpler times. And it was a lovely shade of
pink, it really was. Now the fate of the city rests upon
a black plastic ball filled with fading blue, most likely
toxic, liquid and a dimpled, corroded plastic die. Why
not? It’s a crapshoot either way and M8B is more
fun. And perfect for parties.
So
let’s get this question and answer session started:
Q:
Is it possible for us to elect a Council that’s
even more painful to watch than the current one?
A: Outlook not so good.
Q:
What the hell is that supposed to mean?
A: &*%(#&*(@&*(@#74bubble, bubble
Q:
What the? Man, I’m going to have to get reading
glasses. My freaking arms aren’t long enough to
see the stupid answer. This sucks.
A: Signs point to yes.
Q:
Well for the love of . . . fine. Are you ready to predict
the Council race or not?
A: Yes
Q:
Well it’s about time. Focus already. I said, “Is
it possible for us to elect a Council that’s even
more painful to watch than the current one?”
A: Outlook good.
Q:
Are you freaking kidding me? Outlook good? Outlook was
not so good earlier and now, outlook is good? What the
hell is going on here? Are you even listening
to me? Wait a minute. Hold on here. Are we talking about
the same thing? Is this really all about Microsoft? Did
Bill Gates manage to infiltrate my M8B?
A: My sources say no.
Q:
Sources? You’re a plastic ball filled with blue
mystery liquid. What sources? How can you have sources?
You never leave the office. I found you on the floor behind
the filing cabinet and you’re telling me you have
sources?
A: Yes. Definitely.
Q:
Now you’re freaking me out.
A: BWAHHH-HA-HA-HAAAAA.
Q:
Holy shit.
A: Ask again later.
Q:
That wasn’t a question.
A: Outlook good.
Q:
Oh sweet baby gerbils, this is bad! How am I supposed
to know who to vote for if I can’t get a straight
answer out of the legendary M8B? What kind of madness
is this? It’s as painful as watching Council. I
need a drink.
A: Yes. Definitely.
Q:
Right. That’s what I’ll do. Good sound practical
advice from the M8B.
A: You may rely on it.
There
you go. No help from this
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